The Fallacy Of Searching For The Perfect Mate

I’m writing this article, because I think I am going to scream the next time I hear someone complain about being single because they haven’t found that “perfect” man or woman. I’ve actually engaged a few of these type of people in conversation and their entire way of thinking is off. Its funny how people will admit they themselves aren’t perfect, but they can’t seem to fathom the idea that no one else is perfect either. That doesn’t even make sense, to me. But these people continue to search for their perfect mate. Years pass and they end up meeting lots of good people, but the first time a person shows any imperfection, they’re quick to dismiss the person. But, they expect to find someone to accept their imperfections. But anyways, why are you even seeking  a relationship? Do you even know what a relationship is? Let’s discuss that briefly.

What is a relationship? First, let’s look at the root word in “relationship,” which is: relate. I’m not gonna insult your intelligence by telling you what it means to relate to someone (some of you probably don’t know). So, a relationship is when two people are able to RELATE to each other better than anyone else could. In addition to relating to each other, the two should be adding value to each other’s lives. If the two of you aren’t relating and adding value to each others lives, then you don’t have a relationship. It’s really that simple. All I see are people focusing strictly on themselves (such as the person who want a perfect mate when they aren’t perfect themselves). They’re only focused on what they can get out of it. There are two types of relationships, by the way. One is general, which is the friendship type. Then there’s the serious/committed type, which is what we’re discussing. The difference is: friends relate to each other in a general way, and lovers relate to each other intimately. When two people relate to each other in a state of harmony, the result is synergistic. Hence the term “soul mate.” You should now understand why being with someone to further your own self-interest never works. It’s impossible to be in a true, loving relationship if you only care about yourself. This is why the selfish are always lonely. A relationship is about the two of you connecting on a higher level and adding value to each others lives. To put it in another way: the two of you are looking to become one. There’s some deep metaphysics behind this which I’ll probably discuss in a later article.

Now let’s discuss the fallacy of searching for the perfect mate.

The reason a lot of people have such a hard time finding the mate they desire is because they are searching for perfection instead of compatibility. In truth, your ideal mate will possess at most 80% of the qualities you desire. Needless to say, the 20% will be qualities you may not find desirable. That’s compatibility. Perfection is looking for someone who has every single trait you desire without being willing to compromise on a single thing. The trick is finding someone who’s 20% you can realistically deal with and still be happy. Its possible to find someone with 80% of the qualities you desire, but their 20% makes being with that person unbearable. Their 20% could be that they’re abusive, prone to infidelity, not supportive of your goals, etc. We can all admit that no sensible person would date someone with those qualities, no matter what their 80% consists of.

Don’t get it twisted, there are people who stay in relationships in which their partner mistreats them, because they’ve been blinded by the 80%. They can’t stop thinking about how good that person WAS to them when they first met and still is when their 20% isn’t taking over. That’s not what I’m recommending here. I’m not saying you should get with a person who has 80% of the qualities you desire and suffer that person’s bad treatment on the 20% end. Not at all.

That’s why I said that the trick is finding someone who’s 20% is something you can truly still with and still be happy. For example, a person might like to watch a lot of sports and you’re not into sports. They like to party and you’re a homebody. You prefer someone who can cook and they don’t know how. You’d prefer someone who looks like they stepped out of a magazine and they look like your average person. You want someone who’s well off financially and they haven’t gotten to where they want to be career-wise but is working on it. You’re a christian and they’re an Atheist (if you let your religious beliefs determine who you’d be with, you deserve to be lonely). I could go on, but you get the point. There is room for small disagreements…for lack of a better word. You could actually learn something in the process. Besides, who REALLY wants to be with a person possesses every single quality they desire? I’d imagine that would be pretty boring.

Another thing I want to touch on before I conclude this discussion. I’ve seen people find a mate who possess that perfect 80/20 combination of qualities they desire, but they couldn’t get over the 20% even though the 20% wasn’t anything bad per se. They then begin to believe the grass is greener on the other side, so they find someone else who possesses the missing 20% their mate is lacking. But after some time passes, they realize that the person they’re having an affair with possesses ONLY that missing 20% and nothing else.  Then realize what a mistake they’ve made giving up their 80% mate for someone who only had the missing 20%. Don’t let that be you.

In closing, I’d like to advise you to let go of the idea that there’s a perfect man or woman out there for you. There may be a perfect man/woman in the sense that their 80% vastly outweighs their 20% to the point where you don’t even care that 20% of them you found undesirable at some point. But to think you’re gonna find someone who has EVERYTHING you want is Grade-A bullshit and will keep you single. But in our society, Hollywood plays a huge role in pushing this belief, especially on women, that there’s a man out there who will be their Knight in Shining Armor. These movies have caused women to expect the men they meet to compete with fictional characters, which is impossible. That is, by the way, why I could never date a woman who’s deep into Hollywood romance. So from now on, remember the 80/20 rule.